Cheater Cheater

So this weekend I had my first ( and probably my only) cheat meal since January 1st. During this not so brilliant moment of convenience and temptation I indulged in a platter if large FRIED catfish, fries, and a dinner roll along with ketchup and tartar sauce. So indulgent.... So eventually sickening! This was one of my favorite dishes in what I now realize is a former life. While it taste wonderful the after effects just were not worth the headache (literally)! As if the shear guilt wasn't enough, I physically felt ill. Within minutes my head was pounding and I felt overwhelmingly nauseous. I needed to lay down. I felt sluggish beyond belief. I wanted desperately to go to the gym immediately though I am sure I would have hurled. I was astonished how abrasive this food was. I could not believe that I put this stuff in my body daily without the realization of how harsh it was on my body. I do believe that I learned my lesson folks!

Divine Interventions

A large part of my journey is not really about losing weight. It also includes nurturing my emotional and spiritual being. In the past few weeks I have seriously neglected my spiritual being. I've felt quite numb really. It's been some time since I've felt that way. Usually I look forward to choir practice and Sunday morning services. They light a fir in my soul, but the last few weeks I've felt distant and unmoved. Now I've come to realize that most of this has been a self inflicted pity party but a small part of me maybe has began to question my relationship with Christ. I'm quite sure that I am not the only person that has lulls like this. Be honest with yourself... Have you ever been there? Well today that fire sparked again thanks to the story of a little boy who says he has visited Heaven. If you haven't read this book I strongly suggest it. It is called "Heaven is for Real". It is a true story and is undeniably touching, but it also helps to renew that longing for a relationship with Christ. It reminded of some things that I experienced and I would like to share some of them with you. I've never shared some of these stories but as I read this book I felt the urge from above to share. When I was pregnant with my second child I truly believe I experienced a miracle from God. I had just finished nursing school and was working at a large hospital at night. I also happen to be about six months along. At a routine office visit I had blood tests run to test for possible genetic diseases. I left this visit feeling fine but three days later I was called and asked to return to speak with the doctor. When I went in for the follow up visit I found myself very nervous. I had already been diagnosed with asthma and gestational diabetes but I was. It prepared for came next. The intern entered my room and laid my test results down on the table. He began to explain that my results had not been good. I had a positive results for Downs Syndrome. I sort of tuned him out as he was describing the disease an possible severity but promptly came back to reality when he began to discuss medical termination of pregnancy. I was enraged! I through him out of the room and began to cry uncontrollably. This was my child. I could feel the movements. I had talked to the baby, sang to the baby, and had most certainly bonded with this baby. I was angry. Angry at the suggestion and also angry with God for having to make this choice. I quickly realized though that there truly was never an actual choice to begin with. I was going to have this child regardless of what challenges I may face. I had been given this child for a reason. An amniocentesis was scheduled for the next week and I was sent home. That week was filled with sadness, anger, and nervousness. I had many conversations with God that week. Some were humble. Some were filled with bargains I was willing to make. Some were full of rage and uncertainty. It was difficult to work and continue to worry about my unborn child. Nevertheless I continued with my regular schedule of things. I had a shift the night before the procedure so I was lying down. I was in what I would call a dream state. You know when you open your eyes but you are not really completely awake. The sun was just beginning to set so it was beginning to get dark in the room. I opened my eyes and I saw the outline of a man standing over me. Startled at first I just shut my eyes and the felt a warmth and calmness come over me. I continued to keep my eyes shut and I felt two hands surround my protruding abdomen. Still calm I felt my abdomen contract for a moment and everything lifted. I opened my eyes and I was alone. Confused, I convinced myself that I must have been dreaming but I now had an overwhelming sense of calmness. My worry was completely gone. So I got up and went to work as usual then went the to office the next morning for my procedure. As the doctor started and drew the fluid, he also examined the baby on the ultrasound. I over heard him say that he couldn't find any of the normal markers for babies with Downs Syndrome. I felt myself smile. Then he turned to me and said "She appears to be OK but we won't know anything until the test comes back." The following week was not as difficult as the one before but still it was hard to wait for answers. I couldn't wait to learn of my daughter's fate. The next visit was short and sweet... There was no sign at all of Downs. She was perfect! They were somewhat baffled. They had been checking for the severity not the existence of the disease. I believe that she was sick and that God took it from her that night in my room. I can find no other explanation. Today she is a very athletic, intelligent, healthy little girl full of life and wonder. Isn't God great!!

Grapefruit must be a magic fruit!

So I am trying to put variety in my daily diet. I thought to myself, "What do you think is a good breakfast 'health' food?" Grapefruit! Now the initial sound of the word made me pucker. I can remember as a chubby child my mother sitting this down in front of me. I shot her a look like " what the heck is this?" my mother described it as a giant orange. LIAR! What a terrible joke to play on a child. Imagine my dismay as I take a big juicy bite expecting the sweetness of an orange. That however is not what I got. The bitterness filled my mouth quickly and I spit it out it seemed like it flew out of my mouth at warp speed across the room. "Yuck!" Not at all what I expected. I think I may have even experienced temporary lock jaw for a minute or two. My mother always said that I had a flare for the dramatics. I share this memory because the instant I picked up this giant ruby red grapefruit that moment in time flashed in fro t of my eyes like an image from my grandmother's old super 8 projector. I started to put it down but my determination is much greater than I expected. Maybe it's age or maybe it's that my taste buds have been permanently damaged from my misguided youth, but once I started eating this monster I couldn't stop. This thing was sweet and luscious and like a gift from heaven. It took me almost an hour to eat it all. All 97 calories worth! I was full and satisfied but that wasn't even the best part! About an hour later I couldn't sit still. I had my iPod in listening to my workout playlist and dancing around like crazy! I really need to be at the gym right now to utilize this amazing energy! And so this my friends has lead me to the conclusion that grapefruit must be a magical fruit! :-)

Reality... Is a bitch!

Reality, my friends is a bitch. She's sort of like that frenemy we all had in high school. You know the one... The one that smiles as you pass her in the hall while she causally sticks her foot out so you can trip and fall on your face! Sometimes you pass her by without faltering and then sometimes you take a nose dive! Well I took a nose dive some months ago. Yep, that bitch came up and slapped me right in the face. She made no apologies with. I've been trying to ignore it but that is becoming a very dangerous game. You see, some months ago I had what they call a "mini" stroke. Odd thing to call it right? The thing about "mini" strokes are that eventually they all lead to a great big one! Trust me no one wants that! Now for a while I was all " poor pitiful me", but then that bitch slapped me! I had done this to myself, without cause or reason. At 34 I was a whopping 322 pounds. I had eaten myself into a personal prison. Now I was that person. The one who knew she was overweight but hadn't really admitted that there was a serious problem. I would say, " I really don't eat that much". Truth is I was lying to myself. My friends that is the absolute worst thing that you can do. DON'T LIE to yourself. 322 POUNDS! By the way, I am 5'6". My frame was not made to support that kind of weight. I would even watch "The Biggest Loser",while eating whatever forbidden food I could find and dream of being on that show. Each and every challenge would inspire me! Inspire me to keep on watching while I kept on eating! Hey, at least I had some longing to change. I just had not made my mind up yet. The clock was ticking relentlessly. Fall came, then Christmas... Still no changes. Then suddenly I began to think of my Dad. He died when he was 44 due to complications stemmed from diabetes and obesity. He'd had a stroke and congestive heart failure. He was just 10 years older than I am right now. My oldest daughter is just one year older than I was when I lost my Dad! That was it. Bam that bitch hit me again but this time she left a mark! So this is where my journey began. I finally understood how serious this has become. Now let me make this very clear, I don't need to be skinny. I just want to be healthy- mind, body, and soul. So as I travel my journey I want to document it. All of it- the ups, the downs, the triumphs, a d the failures. So I hope you'll join me. I assure you it will be entertaining at the least!