A Fire Within

   I killed it at the gym today! The elliptical trainer has become my obsession. When I get on it and begin to run, it's like I get lost within myself. Usually I turn the TV on and find something to distract my attention from the clock that is counting down the seconds left on my daily work out, but not today. Today is a different beast. As I run today, one of the greatest men I ever knew is dieing. He lays upon his death bed and struggles with each drawing breath. So today I turned the music on and I focused on my reflection on the blank television screen. I stare at face that is struggling within with her thoughts and memories. I don't look away. I stare into my own eyes, my own soul. My speed increases and I can feel the thumping of my heart intensify. I can hear the thumps grow louder and louder. I am crying on the inside, while the sweat drops from my brow. I don't even pause to wipe it away. I think of this man so dear to me. Does he hear his heart thump? Is it growing louder and louder for him as well? Is he crying on the inside, unable to express his pain? My focus is intense and I noticed my reflection once again and as if I see another person I half way smile. I see the sterness and determination upon my face. Today is very different. I've reached deep down to somewhere inside of me that I didn't even know existed. I stand face to face with what I can only describe as a warrior. There are some young guys there today and they draw my attention for only a moment. One says to the other " Look at that big girl over there. She's running like somethings chasing her!" I return to my reflection and smile again. That's right. You're impressed. You won't say that but I know you are. You didn't think a big girl like me could keep this pace for so long, did you? Neither did I at one time.  I notice my time and distance. I'm running a mile every 13 to 14 minutes. I've not even so much as paused a single moment. Driven! Unstoppable! Fearless! The music is playing but I'm really not even listening. It's initial purpose was only to drown out my thoughts of what was sure to come later in the day. Just then I do hear a moment of a song. "Click Click Boom" and then back to the chaos within. I hear my breath sounds become more labored , almost panting and again the thump of my heart. I can feel the pain from pushing my limits but onward I press. As my body diligently works to keep up with my ever increasing pace I become very aware of what my loved one is unable to do. I want to scream. I am screaming on the inside but on the outside I am focused and unwavering. I notice that there are several people standing near me now and as I realize they are watching me I begin to slow. Then I hear the voice of one of the class instructors from behind, " Push yourself ! Finish. Don't quit now!" I picked up the speed determined to finish strong! And that I did. I finished in the name of my loved one that couldn't, and will never be able to again for his time here is over. For the first time today I found myself looking at someone that I really wanted to know- ME! The work out is done and I check the distance. 5 miles in an hour ain't to shabby. I found a glimpse of myself today and Friends I like what I see. There is nothing like a little fire within to fuel your purpose. Find your fire and see where it takes you!

Acceptance is your worst ememy

    Acceptance is a crutch. I remember once upon a time not so very long ago I used this very thing to make excuses not to make any hard changes in my life. It's quite disgusting now, looking back at my past behaviors and excuses that I used to stay in the same rut I was in. Stuck if you will for what seemed an eternity. Stuck in trap of self pity and doubt, I allowed myself to assign blame upon anything but myself for the condition that I had created. Let me run down a list of a few of them and let's see if you recognize any of them.

1. I'll never be skinny because my body and bone structure aren't made that way.
2. I can't prevent diabetes and high blood pressure because I have a strong genetic link.
3. I've tried all the diets and they just don't work. Maybe God meant for me to be this way.
4. I don't have time to exercise because I have children and a job.
5. I feel so bad I just can't exercise.
6. I really don't eat that much!!!
7. My job hours prevent me from eating healthy because I eat on the go a lot.

    The list could go on and on. The truth is I made excuses in every aspect of my life as to why I couldn't make changes. It was going to be hard and I knew that. I think that sometimes when we are faced with situations that we know are going to be difficult, we as a whole tend to turn to avoidence. Who really wants to feel bad or be miserable? No one, that's who. Nothing worth having is ever going to be easy or convenient. If it was there would be no fulfillment within. No joy. No sense of accomplishment. No drive to progress and better one's self.

    One day I just decided I was sick and tired of loathing myself. I was tired of shoving my mouth full of things that essentially represented sorrow, regrets, and disappointment. I was ready to get up and take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. Ready to be brutally honest about the chains that held me where I was standing. Ready to brake free of my self inflicted silent prison. Ready to disassemble my inner ticking time bomb. It was an awakening if you will, and it was the moment that I took the first step from the quicksand I was sinking in. That very moment fuels my drive today. Here I stand before you not just 46 pounds lighter than I was 10 weeks ago, but also with a new found joy. A joy that came from not being content with a lesser version of myself. A joy from the knowledge that because of my choices right now I am prolonging my time with my family and children. The knowledge that the time I will spend with them from this day forward will be utilized to the fullest of possibilities. I will no longer be a bystander but rather a participant. A participant because I can be and because I choose to be rather than accepting self inflicted limitations. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! Will you? The choice is yours my friend. What will you be, a bystander or a participant? I sincerely hope that you join me in this race of life. See you there.

Failure - The new motivation

     Today I weighed in for my two month results! I had hoped to lose at least 12 pounds in the month of February So that I could account for an even 40 pounds but that just wasn't the case. I failed my monthly goal. Well sort of anyway. I have lost a whopping 37 pounds since January 1st. No small feat if I say so myself. When I started I wanted to continually lose 2 pounds a week for 1 year. Technically I am way ahead of the game at this point. With a total of 9.5 pounds for the month, Success truly is in the eye of the beholder. 37 pounds is by no means a failure and that not even factoring in how good I feel physically. I am doing thing now that I haven't done since I was a teenager. I am running and I love it. With each passing day I feel more alive than ever! I guess that is really the true measurement of success right? So I will take those measly 2.5 pounds and add it to this months goal! I'm gonna kick their butt at the gym and leave them there panting as I continue to run off into the distance! Onward I press because failure is not an option.



Not Giving Up Is Half The Battle!!!!!!!!