Who hides from the camera?

      I do! I do! For the past... well I'm not really sure when this started but I am going to guess about 5-6 years I stay hidden from the camera. I am the proverbial picture taker. Always hiding behind the camera. I've become quite good at my photography craft. I've been published several times and I have even photographed friends and their families for family portraits. What most people dont realize is that this has a deeper reason than just my love of taking pictures. You see, photos are a captured moment in time.. and they don't lie. How many of you have done this? You are getting ready for a night out or a significant event where you go all out. You get your hair "did", you put your make up on, and you put your best clothes on. Now I realize this happens more to women than men but still you get my point. You make faces in the mirror and you think, "Damn I'm hot. I'd do me!" Deny if you want but we all do it- short, tall, skinny, and fat, we all do this at some time or another. Then you get to where ever you may be going and without fail someone snaps a picture of you. Now this can either be posed or completely off guard but usually the same result occurs! You realize very quickly upon observing the photo that the hot outfit you picked out is in fact not that flattering. Your hair never looks the same as it did in the mirror and as for the total image- often you find yourself totally unrecognizable. In fact, if it weren't for the tell tell outfit you may even be inclined to  say the photo victim was someone else entirely. But you can't! It is YOU!!! What happened between the mirror and the photo. I mean you were prancing around at the event as if you were the hottest thing there but the pictures reveal a complete and total hot mess!! The reality is the mirror often times is a liar. It gives us the illusion of perfection in just the right lighting but my friends the camera is the truth teller. It doesn't lie. It doesn't cover. It only shows a true image in time and yes that is really what you look like to everyone else. So for this reason I have forbidden anyone from photographing me until recently. While I still don't really like to see myself in pictures I know that part of transforming into this better me also means that i must learn to look at myself again. The weight continues to slowly come off and I want to document my progress. I can't see it myself in the mirror ( she's a liar anyway) but I can see it in the photos. So here goes... This is my most recent photo. Please be kind.

What doesn't kill you...

     This my friends is by far my new favorite song. I listen to it at the gym. I listen to it in the car. I sing it at the top of my lungs by myself and with my daughters. It is so powerful and in my own personal opinion should be every woman's theme song. What better person to present this song to the world than Kelly Clarkson? Even though I would love to say I knew her personally, I can not... But her persona is fantastic. She comes off as real, what you see is what you get. That is a huge part of what makes her so fantastic. Though I am sure she has her own inner struggles just like the rest of us, she exudes confidence! So today i will strive to be more like that. Confident, daring, and self assured. Harder than what you might think.

     What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..... words to live by and the absolute truth. Through every struggle and adversity we learn something about ourselves. Sometimes it is pleasing and sometimes it isn't so pretty. Regardless, however, it changes who we are. It is up to us to make that a positive revelation or a negative one. As someone who has voluntarily entered into every type of abusive relationship you can imagine, I  can honestly say that each and every time i took something away that made me stronger and wiser for the most part. Abuse is never condonable, I am just saying I chose to learn something about myself from it rather than  wallow in all the negative. I learned that I chose certain types of people as a result of my own insecurities. Somewhere within me I settled for less than I deserved. It doesn't make any of the things they did right but it also doesn't excuse my part as their enabler either. Ownership of the part that I did play was probably one of the most important things I did to start healing from that. No one can grow while in denial. So I owned up to it and moved on. All of those experiences made me stronger and wiser! They also made me less naive to what the real world holds for us. Our choices do matter, big and small. Choices effect everyone, not just the abused or neglected, but everyone. They make us fighters, teachers, and role models to the generations behind us. And I believe that it is our responsibility to show our children mistakes we make in life don't ruin us. In fact, they build us, make us stronger, and allow us to be more well rounded individuals if we chose to learn from them.

Ghosts from the past

OK I know that it has been a while since I last checked in. I've been going through some emotional stuff and I did what I do best. I was has hiding- from myself and from everything else. See that is what I do! I seclude myself or shut everyone out. I used to also stuff my face with whatever sinful treat I could find but thank goodness I no longer inflict that pain upon myself! Baby steps right? During this self inflicted solitude I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with a couple of friends from my long ago youth. You know how "they" say your past always comes back to haunt you? Well my friend that is the gospel truth! But ghosts from the past don't have to be a bad thing. They remind you who you once were and what you really wanted out of life before your vision became clouded with complications. Trust me at 18 I thought I knew exactly where I'd be standing at 34. HA! Let me say that again- Ha! No where near my pristine vision of what my future held! Sad really when you think about it! However misguided I may have been in the expectation of what life was to be, somewhere along the way I lost sight of simply who I was. I mean eventually we all become someone's mom or someone's dad and we get lost in the chaos we call life. I mean think about it... Who are you if you aren't so and so's parent or so and so's wife/ husband? It's like society forgets you were given a name at birth. But ghosts from the past don't have to be a bad thing or a reminder of endeavors that failed. Sometimes they are just what you need to push forward in the game of life. One of these friends reminded me of the difference I make to those around me despite my imperfections and that it was time for me to check out of the Pity Party Hotel and get back to life. So what, I'm not a size 8 - neither is half the women on the planet! A perfect silhouette does not guarantee anything in life- not success, not financial fortune, not love, and certainly not peace of mind. So what, I don't have that life long companion that is supposed to "complete" me! I don't want to be completed thank you. I would much rather have an addition to my already superb completeness. I will find that addition or rather it will find me one day but today is not that day. Today is about ME! Yes I said it, you heard me correctly! It is all about ME. Those of you that know me realize how hard that statement is for me. Really! Who makes the absurd rules about what happiness is? Is it "they"? Well "they" can shove it. I'm not buying into that anymore. The other friend helped to remind me of my inner strength how important it is that I be a positive example of that for my three angels! To teach them that life is not without obstacles. It's gives you plenty of time and opportunity to learn to overcome those obstacles with grace and dignity. To teach them that they deserve no less than the absolute best. Who sets out in life to settle? Not me and I am quite sure you didn't either, so don't! I had to really assess myself with honesty and complete truth. Why do I seem to choose the same destructive path time and time again? Who am I really? Well, honestly, I just don't know anymore. So here is what I purpose.... I'm going to throw away the past mistakes and disappointments. Not forget them but rather leave them where they belong. I can't change them so I will set them down and push forward. I am going to start a new day, a new tomorrow, a new forever! How about you my friend? Where will your new forever begin?